Fuck the Gilded Phallus

That's right, I said it: Fuck the Oscars.

Fuck big budgets compensating for small dicks and needy egos, greed-driven plotlines (or the lack thereof), and fuck boring saline-injected speeches. Instead on Sunday I'm going to Erin Houdini's Skillz Emporium followed immediately by Suspension, where the red carpet will be way fucking sexier, in part because I intend to instigate a catfight with Calico for the Tribe Achievement Awards title of Best Dressed, even if I have to cover her in a whole bottle of lube so our latex doesn't stick together.

And then I'm going to CineKink, which is where I go every year when I want to feel really smart and artsy about watching dirty movies. One can only jerk off at home to so much gonzo, you know what I mean? Sometimes you have to get out of the house, and go see a well-made, grown up, kinky film. You have to sit in a large, dark room, very, very close to many, many people and watch a huge glowing screen filled with adult content. Yes, yes you do, because I said.

And because I'm so good to you, I'm going to tell you what to see. Because you like it when I tell you what to do, you like it when I tell you when to open and when to close your eyes, when to open and when to close your mouth, when to open your pretty little head and get it skullfucked full of deviant art. Yes, you do.

First you should know that the festival runs Tuesday March 1 through Sunday March 6. You can buy tickets to individual shows or you can buy an all access pass that gets you in to parties where you'll meet other perverts like yourself.

First you're going to want to attend the Kick-Off Gala on Tuesday night at Taj, which promises to be a "pansexual celebration of epic proportion," with music, live performance, film screenings, booze, and sexy people in shiny outfits. CineKink also says all proceeds will "support the continuation of CineKink’s sex-positive and kink-friendly program mission," which is a pretty fucking good cause that you would want to throw down for.

Then the screenings start on Wednesday the 2nd at Anthology Film Archives on 2nd Avenue and 2nd Street in the East Village. And as many of you may already know, I have a huge thing (and I mean really huge) for gay boys, so the opener (ahem) is right up my alley. Here's an ass shot of a bunch of competing leather daddies in Kink Crusaders:

I know what you're thinking, they're all toppy and they're all gay, but here's what I'm thinking, they just haven't seen my dick yet. Ha, just kidding. Sort of. Anyway, this film is about the 30-year evolution of the International Mr. Leather contest. It looks fucking hot. When you go to the theatre, don't forget to bring something to stick in your mouth because your oral fixation is going to get pretty out of control.

Then I want you to take Thursday afternoon off and go see Crave. This is a collection of short films with words like fruit, boobs, horsey, and piss in the titles, and with phrases like "young urban lesbian" and "ridden hard and put away wet" and "secret rape fantasy" in the descriptions. I know, I'm predictable. Deal with it.

A lady with a rape fantasy in Cactus, one of the Crave shorts.

And Friday I'm in love with everything and everyone. First there's Adventures in the Skin Trade at 6:45pm, a collection of shorts about the overlap between "sex, money, performance and perception," including titles like "Hooka Face and the Virgin Boy" and "Bucking the System" (with the one and only Buck Angel, a guy with a real pussy!).

The Cultural War is a Diversion from Economic Policy Insuring Plutocracy,

another one of the shorts in the Adventures in the Skin Trade collection.

Then at 9pm there's a collection of shorts called Lust, Love, Life. One of the titles is Australian, called "Fucking is the Only Prayer," and I think you know exactly how I feel about that. The film the collection was named after (Lust, Love, Life—don't make me say it again) is Spanish and features chicks with tattoos rubbing themselves all over each other, and that's just not something you can ever get enough of.

Lust, Love, Life. Oh yeah baby.

Then there's Caged at 10:40pm, which is about this really really horny lady who turns into a unicorn (not a real one, dummy). Rumor has it this one is super edgy, and you know how I love things with edges! And then you can go across the street to The Cock for a cocktail (or whatever) after, because you're gonna need it.

Both of the above are from Caged. Fuck yes.

Finally, on Saturday I insist you sit in on Porn Again, which is not a movie but a panel discussion with amazing and sexually charged individuals like sex educator, author and feminist pornographer Tristan Taormino (I own a vibrating butt plug named after her!) and revolutionary genderqueer porn star Jiz Lee. You can hear them speak and ask them anything you want, just don't try and touch them without permission! Can't you control yourself for even one fucking minute, or do I have to come over there and blister your palms and stick a bar of soap in your mouth? Jesus. Anyway, there's also movies to see on Saturday, and there's also other movies I didn't mention on some of the other days too, so do some of your own goddamn research and go to every goddamn thing if you want to—you have my permission.

I have to go masturbate now and then get ready for an event at the Writing Cage and then drinks and debauchery at the Box, so I'm going to gloss over the fact that there's a CineKink Awards Ceremony that's going to be way more fun than the fucking Oscars, and there's an Afterglow Party too. So get off your ass. Now. Or I'll get on it.

This is what it looks like when I get on your ass.

Photo by Natasha Gornik,
bottom by thrash.

All film stills are courtesy of CineKink.