Road Trip Retrospective

View from Day 6:

In which I'm driving as KinkQueen films the road,

because we are not fit for visual consumption.

That was the best road trip I’ve ever been on, and believe it or not I've been on quite a few. It was epic. It was life changing. I spent six days driving the southern route between San Francisco and NYC with a good friend, and the best possible thing happened: We became even better friends, in fact we became family. If it was legal I would marry her, except that she's straight so it would never work. Anyway, you really get to know all about a person by the way they handle a stretch of open road in front of them and the way they sing along to cheesy 80s tunes. And oh man, KinkQueen can really belt out quite the rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart.

Something about a road trip makes you introspective, think about things you might avoid or gloss over otherwise. It’s the captivity of time, there’s hours upon hours with nothing better to do than dissect and deconstruct every thought that comes in to your brain. We talked about love, finding and losing it and finding it again; about loyalty in terms of friends, lovers, and family; about how certain experiences can feel so intense at one point and become so incredibly diffused in hindsight; about fucked up sexual fantasies; about our entire sexual histories, all our dirty little secrets.

One such line of thinking that’s continued to unfold in my brain since getting home the day before yesterday is about the evolution of sexuality, and the gradations of kinkiness. What I mean is, I thought a lot about how some people know from a very early age about their kinky tendencies, while other people develop their sexuality over time, and make discoveries about their kinkiness later in life. I recently heard someone from the former camp make the case that they feel their sexuality is somehow more valid than those of the latter, of those who are still exploring, still not sure about where they fall on the spectrum of submission, masochism, fetishism. My feeling on the subject is that while everyone’s entitled to their own opinion and definition of their own sexuality, this is not a place to make comparisons or reduce anyone else’s self-definition. It’s like saying it’s better to be gay than straight, or straight than bi. It’s ridiculous to hold such entitlements to sexuality.

Take me for example. While I have always been different, I didn’t always know why. There are so many factors in life that make up who we are, and it’s often impossible to parse out cause and effect. It’s that whole nature versus nurture argument, which has always been too tenuous to pin down, and there’s a reason for that. I could go on, but I refuse to digress too far from talking specifically about me. I’ve talked in the past about how I used to show affection on the schoolyard in rather aggressive ways, how I’ve always been attracted to effeminate boys (the first one I can remember specifically was in the fifth grade—this boy in the cul-de-sac who I used to treat like a puppy). My first major relationship with a man was when I was 19, and I taught him how to cross-dress for me. I had no idea what feminization meant at the time, it just sort of happened, it was my favorite way to have sex with him. In subsequent relationships, with both men and women, I played with power exchanges, some more overtly than others, and yes, I used to switch. My first public scene was at San Francisco’s Power Exchange in my early 20s, where my friends and I won a slave at an auction, who followed us around serving us, and made a very comfy ottoman. Then I flogged the fuck out of him surrounded by an audience. It was incredibly exhilarating, I’ll never forget that moment.

I have always been sexually aggressive and adventurous. It’s been my favored means of self-expression my entire adult life. I can’t really explain why, except that I have always derived a huge amount of satisfaction and adrenalin in the power I feel during sexually-charged exchanges. I have always been a huge flirt, heavy on the tease coupled with almost constant denial, except in situations when it was the exact opposite. Over the past decade, I have honed in on my sexuality, and come to realize that I simply cannot have straight vanilla sex, and gave up trying about eight years ago. Since then, I have embraced my inner top, the role of Daddy, of Dominant, of fucker rather than fucked. I have never been more sexually satisfied.

This is how I look when I'm satisfied.

Mostly, these days I feel so lucky to have such quality people in my life, people that support and love me, who understand me or at least try to, who applaud who I am despite the occasional bad decision (oops, I’m not supposed to say that). And I feel so lucky to have found my place in a community comprised of such diversity and acceptance. The BDSM community is far from perfect of course, which is simply because it’s made up of a bunch of different people on varying trajectories of self-acceptance and discovery. This is the definition of a community, my definition of community anyway. The definition of perversion is difference, and a well-functioning community not only tolerates but celebrates each others’ differences. We all are entitled to our own route to self-discovery; evolution and incorporation of experience is how life happens to us, is how consciousness is built. We are not born to be any specific way, we are a collection of our experiences and interactions with others who have their own collections of experiences. We don’t have to like them or want to try to be like them, but sitting in judgment of someone else because their sexuality is different is just a huge pile of horseshit (no offense to ponies!).

And now back to regularly scheduled obscenities…

From my new gallery.

My next blog post will be an archive of The Studio set, for example:

And I promise that my next photo shoot

will be with a male sub!

Go figure!

See you at Suspension this Sunday!

PS - 100 gold stars to anyone who can identify the song in the background, and 103 for anyone who can identify all three songs in all three road trip clips.